Pulp Alphabet

A is for acid drops, anorexia and alphabets
B is for buttons, buckles and badges
C is for Candida, cats eyes and crisps
D is for dreams, Dubreq and Dusseldorf
E is for everything, eggshells and elephants
F is for fluorescent, Farfisa and figs
G is for Ginsters, gambling and glass
H is for Hopf, hardline and halves
I is for insects, invisible, innit?
J is for Jarvis, johnnies and junk
K is for kinky and Kraft Dairy Lea
L is for luminous, lobster and lycra
M is for money, mischief and mazes
N is for Nickos, nihilism and nosh
O is for orgasm, orange and opal
P is for plastic, passion and pendant
Q is for the Queen, Quentin Crisp and quintessential
R is for Russell, Rosetti and rubbish
S is for Steve, sequins and sex
T is for Twinings, timpani and tightrope
U make me feel mighty real
V is for vibrato, velvet and viscous
W is for Wranglers, waterbeds and wishes
X is for the extra terrestrial
Y is for you
Z is for Zarathustra, zodiac and zips

Russell's Tomato Powder

It's the English equivalent to sun dried tomatoes and is superior in flavour to my mind. Basically it's a concentrated tomato flavour which can be used to spice up pasta, soups, couscous etc. It's very nice to stir fried with shrimps, garlic, lemon zest, olive oil and parsley or coriander. Or sprinkle over tortilla chips together with chilli powder, salt & pepper and oregano.
For a laugh, try using it as a coffee substitute for an unsuspecting friend - it looks just like the real thing !

1. Take a large quantity of cheap tomatoes (damaged ones are ok) and put them in a large saucepan
2. Squash and heat gently
3. When the mixture has reduced, strain out the seeds and skins
4. Keep reducing and scraping the bottom of the pan to avoid burning
5. Turn down the heat as the mixture reduces and starts to burn
6. As it starts to solidify, be very careful not to burn, have the heat at its lowest and keep taking the pan off and scraping the bottom
7. When the paste is dry enough, put it into a liquidiser, which will reduce it to small chunks like coffee beans
8. Return paste to the pan and gently roast
9. Liquidise again until it looks like coffee grounds
10. Return to pan and roast it some more
11. Liquidise to powder
12. Sieve this powder and return pieces that are too large to the pan
13. Repeat until the maximum amount of powder has been extracted
14. Store in an airtight jar

Pulp in Space

From the outside, Pulp's vehicle appears to be an ordinary skip. It is, in fact, an interplanetary spacecraft. Inside, it belies its exterior proportions and is really much more cramped and cluttered than it would appear. On board are the five crew members. Each possesses a special power of their own...

Candida has a magic ring containing bubble liquid which she can blow and capture people in bubbles. (They have to be very small people).
Russell has lazer eyes which can turn people into glass.
Steve has a pendant with a rotating centrifugal psychedelic image that can hypnotize.
Jarvis has super-vision X-Ray Specs which can see through buildings. (They look like Nana Mouskouri glasses, but the lenses contain powerful diodes.)
Nick has a sonic drum that gives a high frequency snare sound that causes terrible ringing in the ears, and can make animals want to mate.

Their mission is to save earth...

Earth in dying, its stocks of man-made fibres are almost exhausted. Pulp must take Arran wool sweaters deep into the cosmos and trade them with planets rich in man-made fibres such as bri-nylon, crimpelene, sharron, darron, rayon and liveon.

Pulp have just left their rocket launching base which is inside a large cooling tower on the outskirts of Sheffield, near Tinsley Viaduct. The skip has narrowly escaped the swarms of inbred South Yorkshire mutants and is hurtling towards the outer reaches of the stratosphere, emitting sonic reiterations and high-pitched feedback.

After many millions of miles the ship becomes entangled with the free-floating fine, sticky strands of a strange alien substance. There is great delight as the band think they have discovered a new fibre. They take samples, it seems like no other material known to man. It is brittle to the touch and turns to sticky pink fluid when crushed. "Hang on a minute" says Candida, putting some in her mouth, "...it's cosmic candy floss!" In order to free the craft they have to eat their way out. Nick was very valiant in this task.

Several million miles later, the craft is drawn towards the gravity field of a strange planet and is caught up in the Aveling Belt - a mass of discarded space-junk that circles the planet below - the flotsam and jetsam of the universe. Just as Jarvis sends out probes to catch some of the more desirable objects, the skip becomes trapped in the huge nets cast by the freebooting scrapdealers of Planet Aveling. Pulp's craft is dragged down to the planet and the crew are taken prisoner and brought before the leader.

An eerie, bleating music pipes over the tinny speakers and his grizzly image is plastered on every available space. His name is Chlop Zymemu (pronounced Shlops Vemue) and he resembles an Albanian peasant from the 1970's on earth. This is not surprising as the entire planet is populated by the offspring of lost cosmonauts from the secret space missions of Enver Hoxna, the missions that impoverished the small East European nation.

"Right then" said Chlop, as he swept the glasses from the table and smashed them into the hearth, "show me how you dance on your planet." So Pulp are forced to dance, as the interplanetary peasants egg them on by banging their knives and forks on tables in hungry anticipation.

Pulp must escape or forever be cheap entertainment for the rustic Albanian hordes ...Russell's lazer eyes freeze Chlop and Candida captures three of his smaller advisors in her magic bubble. Steve lulls the rest into a hypnotic sleep with his cosmic pendant. Nick hits the Sonic drum and the cats of the planet come out and attempt to mate with the inhabitants as Jarvis uses his x-ray specs to locate the skip.

Our space travellers quickly leave the planet and zoom off to their next adventure.

Favourite Things

Do you ever wonder what kind of things light entertainment star Jarvis Cocker has in his home? What are the things he treasures the most? I wanted to know, and so I went there to find out.

Karaoke machine

I found the Karaoke Machine dumped on the street. It's not so much that I like this particular object. I don't - it's obviously been in a cellar for a long time and it smells quite bad - but it's an example of a type of object that I tend to have in my house, which is pieces of electronic equipment that I find on the street. I find it quite therapeutic to mend things like that in my spare time. I've done quite well with a number of things - I mended my portable record player that I often take on tour. I can't do complicated electronics but loose wires etc., I'm quite good with. This is a work in progress. I don't intend to use it as a Karaoke Machine, but as a rehearsal facility for myself so I can write songs at home. Of course when the bottom falls out of Pulp's career, I can operate a mobile Karaoke service in the surrounding area to make some extra monergy.

Tomato soup cushion

This cushion, to be quite honest, isn't one of my favourite things, but it represents one of my favourite things, which is Heinz Tomato Soup. I'm sad to say that this particular variety of soup doesn't really exist any more. They've changed the packaging and recipe slightly. I think they've tried to make it creamier, so now you don't get that hit on the back of your throat with the first spoonful. I think that's terrible - that something that existed for so long and was considered to be perfect, suddenly gets changed. I think it should be changed back as soon as possible. This happens to a lot of things ... I prefer the original taste of a finger of Fudge. Also, I consider this cushion to be the British counterpart of Andy Warhol's use of the Campbell's soup can, it's a pop art statement.

Perpetual motion machine

I've forgotten the real name of this, it's a 3-legged thing that travels up and down a slope. I was bought it for my birthday this year. I thought it was pretty rubbish at first because when I put it in motion it seemed to be pretty poor, and it wasn't until I knocked it off the television the other day that I noticed there's a battery compartment. So I put a battery in and it was transformed because now it goes up and down the slope infinitely. It's like perpetual motion. I wonder why we don't have this as a source of power ... if there was a giant one of these in the Lake District or somewhere it would be a tourist attraction and a completely pollution free way of generating power. I'm sure a little bit of the power generated could be used to fulfil the battery's function. I'd be interested to hear from anyone who can tell me why this isn't possible.

Gonk

I don't know if this can really be considered to be a gonk, but that's what I always called it when I was younger. It was made for me by my mother when I was a child, some may even say a baby. So this has been in my life for as long as I remember. I don't want to come across as someone who can't live without his teddy, like "if you kiss me you have to kiss teddy too" or "teddy look after me in London", it's not that. I don't have it for security, I just think it's nice to look at. It has multicoloured hair, and velvet feet which feel very nice ... I do like a good pair of velvet feet. It's in the original video for "Babies", where Sophie gave birth to it. I like to get things that mean something personally into the videos if I possibly can.

Ballerina alarm clock

This alarm clock is very ineffective. It's the most intensely depressing way to wake up that I've ever discovered. It's not much of an alarm clock at all - instead of a ring, a music box plays a rinky-dink tune and the ballerina dances. And of course, as it winds down the tune becomes slower and the ballerina's dancing gets more and more jerky until it finally stops. It's quite like witnessing a death, which is not what you want first thing in a morning ... it doesn't get you jumping out of bed with a lust for life. I don't use it as an alarm any more, I just have it as an ornament. We used it in the introduction to the "Maureen" video years ago. I never get up anyway, do I? It takes a lot to wake me up in the morning.

Brigitte Bardot playable postcard

I have fond memories of this. When I first came to London, I was confronted with the horror of Elephant & Castle because I ended up living there through some unhappy quirk of fate. I went to the shopping centre and was appalled, but there was a record shop and they had 4 Brigitte Bardot playable postcards stapled up on the wall for 20 pence each, so I bought them all. This is the best one because the song on it is "Contact", very good song. This was the first time I'd ever heard it, it's a song Serge Gainsbourg wrote for her. Unfortunately, the playable bit has detached itself from the picture now, which is a pain, I'm gonna have to find some way of gluing it back on without ruining the whole thing. I used to use this in my djing, it always went down well. When people came up to look what record's playing they always love that - a rectangular bit of cardboard on the turntable!

Mug

That's just my mug that I drink out of. I got it in Sheffield about 2 years ago. They were being sold off very cheap. I wish I'd bought more now because I've discovered that somebody, who shall remain nameless, has obviously knocked it over and glued it back together surreptitiously hoping I wouldn't notice ... but I have. They were only 40p each. It's brown and orange, quite a good colour combination, with a simple, striking, bold design. It's good to have an everyday object that you actually like. I'm not into homemaking, but if you can have something that has a special value to you, it's better than just having something crap.

Have a Pulp party!

Amaze your friends and stun your enemies with ...

The Dictator

You will need...equal parts Cointreau and lime or lemon juice...lots of ice.

And that's it ! Russell's hardline cocktail - very sharp and brilliant...You don't want all those poncey cocktails that taste like bloomin' kids drinks.

Remember to chill the glass, and frost the rim with sugar and lemon juice. Decorate with a sprig of mint.

Candida's Colourful Party Punch

Ingredients:

• 1 pint of vodka
• 2 litres of lemonade
• 1 bunch of seedless green grapes
• ¼ of a cucumber (yes, really!)
• green food colouring
• mint leaves

1. Thinly slice the cucumber, halve the grapes, and place them in a punch bowl.
2. Add the vodka and food colouring.
3. Add the cool lemonade just before serving, (so it doesn't lose its fizz.)
4. Decorate with mint leaves.
5. Serve in nice and colourful party glasses.

Some people complain about the cucumber...

...try it, you might like it!

Mussolini Tomatoes

A good authentic hardline Italian snack !

1. Slowly toast some thickly sliced bread in the bottom of the grill so that they become very crisp and sandpapery on the surface.
2. Grate a clove of garlic onto the toast - rub it on both sides of the bread.
3. Slice some fresh tomatoes and place them on the toast.
4. Tear some fresh basil onto the tomatoes. (If it's dried basil I spit on your grave, you don't wanna use that stuff.)
5. Add salt and pepper to taste.
6. Drizzle olive oil over the top.
7. Eat it !
   And if you have a friend, make sure they eat it too. (Same goes for any friends you'll see the day after)

Now listen
This recipe has to be eaten on a Saturday night...if it's Friday night, you're probably gonna go out on Saturday and offend people. If it's Sunday, you might have to work the next day or want to laze around shopping malls or something.

Hint!
Chewing carraway seeds is a good cure for garlic smells.

Russell's Jelly Fruit Basket

You will need:
cake dish, old squeezy bottle, freezer, packet of waterbombs, jellies of every conceivable colour.

1. Make up the jellies using half the usual amount of hot water. This gives you about ½ a pint of each.
2. Wait until the jellies are quite cool, but not set.
3. One by one, pour a jelly into the squeezy bottle, put a waterbomb over the nozzle and invert. Squeeze the jelly into the waterbomb and seal it tight.
   - it is important that the jelly is not too hot at this stage or it will make holes in the waterbomb.
4. Put the jelly waterbombs into the freezer.
5. When frozen solid, cut off the waterbombs, arrange jellies in a bowl and place in fridge to thaw.
6. You will then have an attractive bowl of different coloured fruits !

• For extra realness decorate apple shapes with mint leaves !
• Make a special fruit shape using a balloon ! Fill it with red jelly then freeze it. Untie balloon and blow in to free jelly from inside then pour in cool green jelly and refreeze. (Turn upside down halfway through freezing to suspend red in green.) When it is set you have an exciting jelly watermelon !

How Pulp Are You ?

Which member of Pulp are you most like ? Try this fun quiz to find out !
Answer the questions honestly and then check the results...

YOU GO INTO OXFAM AND CAN ONLY AFFORD ONE ITEM - WHICH DO YOU BUY ?

1. An extremely valuable piece of antique glass for 50p (after haggling)
2. Haynes Manual for the Mini Clubman
3. Anything
4. A 5p plastic ring
5. A t-shirt two sizes too small

YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO GO OUT THIS EVENING, SO YOU HAVE TO STAY IN AND WATCH T.V. - WHICH Of THESE PROGRAMMES WOULD YOU TUNE IN TO ?

1. "Antiques Roadshow Special" on antique glass
2. "Top Gear"
3. "American Gladiators"
4. Any crap old film
5. "Late Show" special on the cinematic values of the French New Wave

YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO BE ON "JIM'LL FIX IT" - WHAT SHOULD JIMMY FIX FOR YOU ?

1. A slap up meal in Florence that features wild mushrooms
2. Trip to Stoke Manderville Spinal Injuries Unit
3. Five minute trolley dash in Oxfam
4. A date with Julian Clary
5. A nice fat cigar

IT'S YOUR BEST FRIEND'S BIRTHDAY - WHICH OF THESE PRESENTS WOULD YOU GIVE ?

1. A large toadstool
2. Driving gloves
3. A 1970's "Look-In" annual
4. Pack of felt-tip pens and a colouring book
5. A granite watch with a handsome leather strap

THE BIRTHDAY PARTY IS FANCY DRESS - WHAT SHOULD YOU GO AS ?

1. A marrow
2. An armchair (with a cup of tea on the arm)
3. Rolf Harris
4. Jarvis Cocker
5. Lewis Collins

PULP PEOPLE LOVE TO KEEP UP WITH THE LATEST FASHIONS, SO WHERE SHOULD YOU GO FOR THAT KINKY NEW OUTFIT ?

1. The bankrupt stock of a Bulgarian State Warehouse
2. Strictly Hardcore Jeans by Visage
3. Church hall jumble sale (or a skip)
4. Glorious Clothing
5. Ann Summers catalogue

YOU HAVE £400 TO BUY A CAR...DO YOU GO FOR...

1. Alpha Romeo Sprint Veloce
2. Mini Clubman with sports steering wheel and a bus destination indicator containing different girl's names (fictional)
3. A mustard and brown Austin Allegro Vanden Plas Estate
4. Bright purple Rover (doesn't matter if it doesn't work, I can't drive)
5. Reliant Seimitar with in-car Rabbit phone

YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY HOME FROM A CONCERT AND HAVE TO STOP TO EAT - WHICH OF THESE FOODS WOULD YOU EAT ?

1. Large doner kebab with extra chilli sauce
2. Silly-hot curry
3. Battered sausage and chips
4. Pink, yellow and lime green jelly
5. Sushi

YOU ARE ON A FIRST DATE WITH A FOXY CHICK OR HUNK - WHERE DO YOU GO ?

1. Bed
2. Local working men's club for the turn and pie + pea supper
3. You lose the address of the swanky restaurant and miss the appointment
4. Day trip to Blackpool
5. International Czechoslovakian Animation Festival for the cheese and wine reception.

YOU HAVE JUST ENOUGH MONEY FOR ONE LAST TUNE ON THE JUKE BOX...DO YOU PICK...

1. "Der Mussolini" by D.A.F.
2. "Everyone's Gone To The Moon" by Jonathan King
3. "Mouldy Old Dough" by Lieutenant Pigeon
4. "Dancing Queen" by Abba
5. Anything by Philip Glass

RESULTS!
Which answer did you choose most often ?
A - You are RUSSELL!
B - You are NICK!
C - You are JARVIS!
D - You are CANDIDA!
E - You are STEVE!

Candida's Horoscopes

Candida has gazed long and hard into her silver ball and is now able to give you her predictions on your future...

VIRGO
My best sign, and the next two months look to be fantastic. Make the most of them because the two after are going to be shit.

LIBRA
The sexy side of the scale is weighing heavy at the moment. Turn no offers down this month, you're in great form. But remember - safe sex.

SCORPIO
Never mind what Russell Grant (or Senior) says, your boss will ruin your life unless you tell them to take their job and shove it ! Join a pop group and you'll make money.

SAGITTARIUS
Sagittarius, that superior sign. The letter 'J' and number '7' are your enemies, right now, but the letter 'X' and number '13' should be cherished against your bosom.

CAPRICORN
"Life goes by when you're the driver of a train" but this time the action is not passing you by! You are in control - take that train & Live On.

AQUARIUS
"It is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius" - make sure you let people know that it's a now or never situation.

PISCES
My second best sign. Whatever you do this month will be hilarious, with a hint of danger. It ain't what you do, it's the way that you do it.

ARIES
Hold your head in your hands on the l6th, or you may live to regret it. Journeys abroad are on the cards.

TAURUS
Make sure your stubborn side doesn't show its ugly head too much, it could do irreparable damage to business or romantic relationships.

GEMINI
Once you come to terms with the schizophrenic style of your character, the world is no longer your enemy, but your oyster.

CANCER
Okay, so life's been a dull bore of late, but believe me when I say it was all for the best and can now be left behind.

LEO
Things are looking good for you lions. Money spent now will be doubly recouped in the year. Life's a beach, so dive in.

Pulp Party Games

Make your party go with a swing with these party games as recommended by Pulp !

Pass the Matchbox
This game should be played in teams of at least four or five people. The team members stand in single file behind each other, and the front person sticks a matchbox, with the tray removed, onto his nose. The object of the game is to pass the matchbox from the front to the back, and back again, without touching it with anything but noses. When it reaches the last person, he must turn around 360 degrees before passing the box forwards down the line. If the box falls off on it's way to the back it must start again from the first person. If it falls on the way forward, it must return to the last person. It's a race to see which team wins. If the race ends quickly then you could make it the best of three goes and swop over the matchboxes between teams to pacify sore losers !

The Kissing Game
This is an easy game - the participants only have to kiss each other !
To complicate things, they should be blindfolded, stood apart, and turned around ... then they have to find each other and kiss.
They are only allowed to make one sound in their efforts to locate one another - a kissing sound. The spectators should also make this sound to confuse them. (And they might get a quick snog themselves if they're lucky !). How long will it take the pair to embrace under these distracting circumstances ?

The Mattress Game
The mattress should be placed on the floor. Two contestants stand on it and at the word "GO!" they begin to turn the mattress completely over without either of them touching the floor at any time.
If the mattress is quite stiff, the task is hard, providing great entertainment for the spectators.
If either contestant touches the floor, the mattress should be reset for another attempt.
Play the game in couples and give a prize to the fastest team.

Animals
Before your party starts, write names of various animals on small pieces of paper and mix them up. The first person to play the game randomly chooses one of the papers and reads the name of the animal on it, taking care that no-one else sees. He must then act out that animal without making any sounds, just gestures. The others all try and guess what the animal is, and the first person to guess correctly must then take their turn.
If you are worried that some people will not actively take part in the game, change the rules slightly so that everyone must have a go in turn, and give a prize to the best animal impressionist.
Make the game more fun by being creative and including some more unusual 'animals' - once won a game by acting out a flu virus !