Written by: Jarvis Cocker
Recorded by: Steve Albini
I will never get to touch you so I wrote this song instead
Thinking about you lying in bed, it's gonna get inside your head
And it's the best that I can do, this is the closest I could get
So let it penetrate your consciousness
Oh oh oh oh yes
Oh, turn it up, turn me on, I'm feeling good but don't get me wrong
I know it's just a song
And every time you play it I will perform the best I can
Press 'repeat' and there I am, and there I am, always glad to be your man
And this way, oh well there won't be any mess
As I assure you that there would be in the flesh
This is my very, very best
Turn it up, turn me on, I'm feeling good but don't get me wrong
'Cause I know it's just a song
Always eager, always ready, always in tune and always primed
And I'm always there for you, and I'm always on time
Unlike in real life
Turn it up, turn me on, I'm feeling good but don't get me wrong
No, don't get me wrong, don't get me wrong 'cause I know:
It's just a Fucking Song
I bought a new guitar when we were in Los Angeles and I came up with that mindless riff on it. By writing songs you can metaphorically fuck a lot of people at the same time. This song is about how that's probably the best way to have a relationship. A song always performs its best each time whereas with a real person, sometimes they get drunk and can't perform at all.
It could be the ultimate in safe sex. In singing that song, you reach more women than you ever could in real life. But what I'm saying on the flipside of that is that for the woman involved, it's much better for her to have a relationship with that song than it is to have a relationship with me. Because I'm human and fallible and I'll get drunk and not turn up when I'm supposed to turn up, whereas that song, every time you put it on, that CD will perform exactly how you want it. It will always do its best. So you're better off with the song version of me than you are with the actual real person. That's basically what I'm saying.